Happy Monday, readers! I’m outta here for the week! Summer is almost over and I wanted to get some down time in before I have to get back to the regular grind. I’ll be back soon!
I hope you and yours have a wonderful week!
Taking a Little Time Off…
Parenting Without Shame
Originally published March 5, 2015
I don’t know about you, but I find “pet shaming” pictures hilarious. You’ve seen them. They’re the ones that show something like a dog next to a chewed up tube of diaper rash ointment, and the dog is wearing a sign around its neck saying, “I ate a tube of Desitin and barfed all over the new carpet during my family’s dinner party.”
Photo courtesy of Life With Dogs
The funny thing to me is that the dog usually looks like he’s not the least bit sorry, and he’s certainly not ashamed. We can have a good guilt-free laugh at these silly pictures, because the dog has no idea what’s going on and isn’t feeling humiliated in the slightest. But what about the shaming of human beings?
Shaming as a form of punishment is nothing new. You read The Scarlet Letter in high school, right? You’ve seen pictures of a one room schoolhouse with a child sitting in the corner wearing a dunce cap? More recently, we’ve seen judges sentence petty criminals to stand in a public place holding a sign confessing their crimes. But lately I’ve been seeing a parenting trend that isn’t funny or appropriate, especially for Christian parents: kid shaming.
Lately I’ve been seeing a parenting trend that isn’t funny or appropriate, especially for Christian parents: kid shaming.
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This ten year old girl was lying about her age, sneaking out with boyfriends, and breaking her parents’ social media rules. So they forced her to wear a shirt declaring her age, along with a “little girl” hairdo and accessories
This barber offers parents free “balding man” haircuts for their misbehaving children.
This mom went to school with her teen-aged daughter, mocking, taunting, and videotaping her for skipping class.
If a child were doing this kind of thing to another child, we’d call it bullying, and everyone would be appalled. But if a parent does it and posts pictures of it on social media she’s hailed as an innovative disciplinarian.
Does kid shaming work to modify a child’s behavior? Sometimes. But as Christian parents, we are not called to merely modify our children’s behavior. We are called to cultivate the soil of their hearts, so that those little hearts may one day be fertile ground, ready for the seeds of the gospel and godly discipline. And shaming or humiliating a child doesn’t enrich that heart soil. It hardens it.
As Christian parents, we are not called to merely modify our children’s behavior. We are called to cultivate the soil of their hearts. And shaming or humiliating a child doesn’t enrich that heart soil. It hardens it.
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Children need discipline, but they need us to discipline them in a godly way. How do we discover the godly way to discipline? By following God’s example laid down in His Word. There are many reasons God presents Himself to us in the Bible as our Father. First, and foremost, it describes our relationship to Him: the depth of His love for us, His desire for what’s best for us, His authority over us. Our love for and dependence on Him, our desire to obey Him. But, secondly, God revealing Himself to us as our Father gives us a beautiful, perfect model to follow in parenting.
God revealing Himself to us as our Father gives us a beautiful, perfect model to follow in parenting.
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Want to know how to love your child? Look at the way God loves you. Want to know how to provide for your child? Look at the way God provides for you. And if you want to know how to discipline your child, look at the way God disciplines His children. Does God shame and humiliate us when we sin? No.
He disciplines us because He loves us…
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. Hebrews 12:6
He does not shame us into repentance, but draws us with His kindness.
Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? Romans 2:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21
He does not discipline to humiliate, but to train us in holiness and righteousness…
but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10b-11
Sometimes God’s discipline is pretty intense, but it is always done in love and always to draw us away from sin and back to holiness, never to demean us. Our children are a precious gift, entrusted to us by God. We are to reflect God’s character to them as we walk with Him and seek to love and discipline them His way. Choosing a worldly way of correcting their behavior but not tending their hearts, well…that would be a shame.
Choosing a worldly way of correcting their behavior but not tending their hearts, well…that would be a shame.
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The Troubling Trajectory of Jen Wilkin
There’s a lot more to Jen Wilkin than meets the eye. Over the last 15 years, she’s become a popular Christian author and speaker whose books and Bible studies are used by hundreds of Southern Baptist churches (and churches in other denominations) across the U.S.
Yet, at the same time, Jen’s positions on a variety of biblical and social issues have stirred up a tempest of controversy, which discerning churches and individuals should be aware of…
In case you missed it yesterday on social media, you can read the remainder of my debut article, The Troubling Trajectory of Jen Wilkin at Center for Baptist Leadership.
Additional Resources:
Jen Wilkin (The “Troubling Trajectory” article {above} and the podcast episode {below} are both linked in the “Additional Resources” section of this article.)
Talk Back: Jen Wilkin and The Gospel Coalition (A critique of more of Jen’s remarks on the TGC podcast episode mentioned in the “Troubling Trajectory” article {above})
The Mailbag: Potpourri (Vision boards… Teen’s problematic friends… Sharing the gospel live on social media)
Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er, kinda? sometimes?) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.
I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!
Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.
I looked for an article on your blog about vision boards, but didn’t see one. What’s wrong with a vision board? Do you dislike them in all instances or simply in certain applications?
I hope you don’t mind, but let’s reframe the question just a tad. I totally understand what you mean, I’d just like to clarify for everyone that it’s irrelevant whether I “like” or “dislike” something. My personal, subjective opinions don’t matter one bit (and neither do anyone else’s). What matters is what God says in His written Word about things like this. So let’s use the question, “What does God tell us in His written Word about vision boards?”.
The way vision boards are typically used in both the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR), the New Age, and non-Christian circles is to figure out all your goals and dreams, put pictures of them on a board, hang the board where you can see it often, and focus on those pictures/goals/dreams in order to “manifest” them. Nowhere in Scripture does God instruct us to do anything of the sort. It’s idolatry, usually based in coveteousness, and a form of witchcraft.
How so? A vision board redirects your heart toward idolizing an object or a goal you want and away from being completely submitted to and content with what God wants. Ephesians 5 says:
walk as children of light (for the fruit of that light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:8b-10
The entire posture of the Christians life can be summed up in Jesus’ brief prayer in Gethsemane: “Not my will, but Yours be done.”. We’re not to get up every day, look at a picture of a house, or a job, or a degree we want and make that the motivating force for everything we do that day in order to obtain that thing.
We’re to get up every day, look to Christ in His Word and in prayer, “try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord,” and make that the motivating force for everything we do that day. Scripture doesn’t teach us to live our lives for a temporal goal or material possessions. Scripture teaches us to live our lives dying to self and obeying Christ. That’s the goal we live for.
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Matthew 6:19-21
God’s way is not for us to attempt to “manifest” things on our own by visualizing them and speaking incantations to try to take them by force from God’s hand, but to bring everything to Him in prayer, be obedient to His Word, submit to Him, and trust Him to bring the opportunities and situations our way that He thinks are best for us and our sanctification.
Additional Resources:
What does the Bible say about vision boards? at Bible Hub
What are vision boards, and are they biblical? at Got Questions
Vision Boards by Doreen Virtue
My daughter is 14 and has a friend group of about twelve friends. Two identify as bisexual, one identifies as gay, and another as transgender. Any suggestions for navigating this season with her? I’m struggling with it, she is not.
Oh dear. I’d be struggling with it, too. I’ve take a moment to pray for you and your daughter, and I’d like to ask my readers to pause here and pray for both of you, too.
I’m assuming “friend group” means a group of friends your daughter is close to and spends a lot of time with. In other words, not acquaintances she sees occasionally and might exchange a few pleasantries with every now and then. If so, you’re right to be concerned. Scripture tells us:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has a sanctuary of God with idols?
2 Corinthians 6:14-16a, 1 Corinthians 15:33, Proverbs 13:20
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
He who walks with the wise will be wise, But the friend of fools will suffer harm.
And real world experience backs up the Bible. Even non-Christian experts who study such things tell us that sexual immoralities such as bisexuality, homosexuality, and transsexuality, have spread among teenagers largely via social media and their friends. It’s just the latest iteration of fads like ripped jeans and wearing your hat backwards, only with farther reaching and much more devastating consequences.
I’m a little in the dark about your family dynamics. I don’t know whether or not you’re married, and, if so, whether or not your husband is your daughter’s father, and whether or not he’s a Believer. I also don’t know whether or not your daughter claims to be a Believer. I’m assuming you’re a Believer since you reached out to me.
All of those things will impact the situation, but, ideally, you and your husband / your daughter’s father, who is a Believer, will sit down together, talk the situation through, and then present a united front when the three of you sit down, discuss this, and he informs your daughter that she will no longer spend time with these friends.
It doesn’t matter that she wants to. It doesn’t matter how many “good reasons” she has for spending time with them or how much she assures you that she won’t be swayed from a biblical sexual ethic. You are the parents. She is the child. You are older and wiser than she is, and you can see the dangers in this situation that she can’t see.
If your daughter claims to be a Christian, I would suggest appealing first to the fact that, over and above your rules as parents, she is supposed to be obeying Scripture. And as the three Scriptures I’ve cited above demonstrate, we are not to be entangled in intimate relationships with unbelievers.
If she’s not convinced and not motivated by obedience to Christ to extricate herself from these friendships on her own, you and your husband will need to take the reins and explain to her that because you love Christ and want to obey His Word, and because you love her, you will no longer allow her to maintain these friendships: no spending time with these people, no texting, calling, emailing, or social media communication with them, etc.
Whatever you do, stand firm. Do not cave to her whining, crying, anger, or histrionics. Inform her of the consequences of disobeying you by contacting members of this friend group, and, if she disobeys, follow through. Be consistent.
And you’ll want to remind her of Ephesians 6:1:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Ephesians 6:1
You said your daughter is “not struggling with” spending time with this friend group. I’m not sure whether this means that your daughter is a sweet, young, somewhat naive, genuine Christian who thinks being friends with these people will draw them to Christ, or whether it means the opposite: that she’s not “unequally yoking” with them, she’s equally yoking with them because she is -as they are- not truly saved.
If that’s the case, she needs the gospel. Don’t beat her over the head with it every five minutes, but pray fervently for her salvation, and ask the Lord to give you wisdom and natural opportunities to discuss it with her.
If you and your husband are not already faithful, invested members of a doctrinally sound local church, that’s something you need to begin working toward immediately, and your daughter needs to faithfully attend with you and be involved as well. She needs to be removed from the pagan environment she’s chosen and redirected into the godly environment she needs.
I would also encourage you to set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel about all of this. Perhaps he can suggest a godly older woman to disciple you through this situation, or an older couple who can counsel you and your husband.
With the Lord’s help, you can handle this in obedience to Him. Ask Him to give you strength and wisdom, and trust Him to guide you through this trial.
I wanted to start sharing the gospel in live videos on Facebook. Would doing this live fit the definition of preaching to men even if you state it’s for women or would it be best to create a private group for women only? I’ve received conflicting opinions on this before. Thank you.
I’m so glad you’re thinking about this and desiring to come to a biblical conclusion! That’s so encouraging!
There are two things to take into consideration here, a) what Scripture actually states, and b) conscience, wisdom, and appearance.
Scripture does not prohibit women from sharing the gospel with others, even men. In fact, all Christians are commanded to share the gospel in the Great Commission (also click here and see #11).
Unfortunately, these days many professing Christians conflate evangelism with pastoring and preaching. Evangelism is sharing the gospel with lost people outside the church, which all Christians are commanded to do. Pastoring and preaching is biblical instruction to saved people inside the church, which God has restricted to biblically qualified men. Evangelism and pastoring/preaching are two completely different, separate things. We have to keep our biblical categories straight.
You’ll want to avoid using a tone and demeanor that look and sound like a pastor delivering a sermon, and you shouldn’t say things that sound like you’re lecturing men in particular about their failures or how they could be better husbands, fathers, or pastors, or things like that, but simply explaining how to be saved, in a conversational tone, to a general audience of whichever random people happen to click on your video is not biblically problematic. I wrote all of the material at the What Must I Do to Be Saved? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and I share it around all the time on social media. It’s no different than sharing a tract or a website or video that shares the gospel.
Now, on the conscience, wisdom, and appearance side of things, if you feel uneasy that, for example, some of your Facebook friends go to “churches” with women “pastors” and you’re concerned they would think that’s what you’re doing (which is a distinct possibility), or if you would feel uncomfortable with your live videos being available to men, or whatever the case may be, then by all means, put up some biblical fences. Go ahead and create a private group if you want. Or, start each video with a statement or graphic that says this content is addressed to women (and re-assert that during the video with your language… “Ladies, I want you to know…” “Sisters, let’s pray…” etc.). Or maybe you present it on your regular Facebook page, and your husband (if you’re married) or another godly man or two in your life would agree to to be “on call” in the comments during the live, and if they see a man asking questions, they could dialog back and forth with him.
Thank you so much for being faithful to share the gospel!❤️
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
Parenting: What a Child Wants, What a Child Needs
Originally published June 10, 2014
It’s a funny thing about parenting articles– they’re always written by doctors or psychologists or parents, never by the people being parented: the kids. I mean, think about it, if you were a waitress and you wanted to know how to serve your customers better, would you take advice solely from other waitresses, restaurant managers, and the guys at corporate? Wouldn’t you, at some point, want to hear from the people you actually serve regarding what they want out of a waitress? So how come we never ask our kids what they want out of a parent?
Well, I decided to.
Parenting articles are always written by doctors or psychologists or parents, never by the people being parented: the kids. How come we never ask our kids what they want out of a parent? Well, I decided to.
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My husband and I have five boys, ages 26, 24, 14, 12, and 11, and one girl, age 18. The two oldest boys are grown and out on their own, so I interviewed the four still living at home: my daughter and the three younger boys. They’re average kids from an average, church-every-Sunday-and-Wednesday, Christian family. My husband and I are imperfect parents who make a ton of mistakes, but we’re doing our best to raise them in “the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
The interview consisted of one question: What advice would you give to parents?
M (18 year old daughter) has spent the year since she graduated from high school teaching pre-schoolers at a Christian day care, so much of her advice is drawn from that experience. She has learned a lot about parenting that will help her to be a great mother some day.
- Don’t be scared to discipline your child. Children need discipline, and that’s part of your job as a parent.
- Kids are smarter than you think they are. Take the time to work with them. You’ll be amazed at how much they can learn!
- Giving in to tantrums will ultimately make parenting more difficult because you’re teaching your child that tantrums work when they want to get their own way about something.
- When considering names for your baby, imagine one of your adult friends introducing himself with that name. If the name doesn’t work for an adult, consider another choice. Also be aware of any acronyms or foul words your child’s initials might spell.
- Never lie to your children to give them a reason for telling them yes or no about something. (For example: one of my children was constantly begging to go to the park. Her mother finally told her, “No, we can’t go to the park because it’s closed.” Naturally, a few minutes later, they drove by the park and saw plenty of people there. The child said, “I thought it was closed!”)
- Before buying your child any DVD, watch it several times to make sure it doesn’t drive you nuts.
- No child ever died from a dog licking him in the face.
- A little sugar from time to time isn’t going to kill your child.
J1 (14 year old son) just finished eighth grade and isn’t interested in doing anything that taxes his brain during summer break. After we got past, “Mom, you’re the perfect parent! You don’t need any parenting advice from me!” (so he could go back to watching TV), here are the few gems I was able to extract from him:
- Teach your kids not to be aggravating to other kids.
- Don’t let your kids date too early.
- Don’t force foods on your kids that they have either tasted and don’t like or think they won’t like.
- Don’t make your kids write your blog articles for you. It’s pretty boring for them!!!
B (12 year old son) is a take charge kind of guy who would have gladly written this article for me (and probably would have done a better job!) He just finished the 6th grade. B says:
- Give a thirty minute bed time extension with every birthday. (He calculates this based on a baby from birth to one year having a bed time of 6:00 p.m. A one year old would go to bed at 6:30, a two year old at 7:00, etc.)
- Have a large Christmas budget.
- Buy your kids go carts.
- Take more vacations.
- Don’t make things sound better or worse than they actually are. (“Mom, one time I was going to get some shots and you told me it would hurt really bad. I didn’t think it hurt that much.”)
- Set a good example for your kids.
J2 (11 year old son) just finished 5th grade and lives life wide open with his hair on fire. He had lots of great 11 year old advice for parents:
- Spend more time with your kids.
- More bacon. Also, more junk food and cokes.
- Let us do good April Fool’s tricks.
- Mud fights whenever we want.
- Let us run around the house nekkid! (That’s “naked” if you don’t live in the South.)
- Don’t make your kids go to school.
- Be less demanding and don’t criticize your kids.
Awesome parenting advice, no? Maybe my husband and I should just change all our rules around to fit what the kids want. After all, going back to our waitress analogy, the customer’s always right, right?
Wrong.
The Bible says in Ephesians 6:1 (a verse every child in our family memorizes as a toddler) “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right,” not “parents obey your children.” If we decided to become the parents they wanted, we’d have a bunch of naked, bacon-snarfing, go cart riding, uneducated pranksters who stay up until midnight.
The reason God gave children parents is so that we can exercise the wisdom, experience, and discernment they don’t have but so desperately need.
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The reason God gave children parents is so that we can exercise the wisdom, experience, and discernment they don’t have but so desperately need. As godly parents, my husband and I must listen to our children and take to heart anything that is wise or biblical (“Set a good example for your children.” “Never lie to your children.”) and say a firm “no” anything that isn’t (large Christmas budgets and living room streaking).
Because God has told us to train our children up in the way they should go, not the way they want to go.
God has told us to train our children up in the way they should go, not the way they want to go.
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